Falling Asleep At The Movies Is An EXPENSIVE nap!

It finally happened. I fell asleep at a movie...a matinee yet. And worst yet I was told I was snoring. Awwww crap! Was I tired at noon on a Saturday? No. Was the movie bad...well...not really. Was the company boring (I wasn't on a date or anything like that, but I had two people with me.)...no. So why now? It costs too damned much for a ticket, a drink and a popcorn! This sh*t had better not be the beginning of a personal trend.

After giving it much thought I have come to the conclusion it's those damned electric leather recliners! Yup! That has to be the answer. Haven't you been at home, nestled in your personal comfy, fully broken in recliner watching episode 1 of a Primo Netflix thriller from Spain or Korea or Germany and the next thing you know it's episode 3 and you don't have a clue who's doing what to who? Crap! You wonder why the guys on the screen  don't look familiar and why you have crusty evidence of drool on the side of your mouth. You were on a stealth sleep. The Sandman crept up behind you and whopped you in the head with his most powerful puff of sleep inducing powder. You were fine...but that chair...that recliner took you out!

$50 for two or three folks to see a flick is not unusual these days but THE RECLINERS ARE INSIDIOUS, THIEVING, SLEEP MONSTERS! Even though the thundering Dolby powered bass rumble from the theater sharing a wall with ours could loosen your fillings, it didn't rouse me from my snoring dream state. Such embarrassment. Such a waste of money. Such a need for a spit cup.

Another thing I noticed about those lousy chairs is how your leg can inadvertently bump the button causing your legs to rise and fall and potentially cause your $9 drink and/or $10 popcorn to wind up in your lap! Of course I am exaggerating, but it could happen. It could.

What's the answer?

You have no control over which auditorium the picture you want to see is to be shown. If you have a sensitive behind you could put some marbles in the back pocket of your baggiest pants and suffer mock hemorrhoidal pain (a better choice than inserting marbles elsewhere for a more realistic hemorrhoid experience). Another possibility is to have a friend or date poke you in the arm at regular intervals to insure you're paying attention, however your date may only give you a single opportunity deciding that he or she could never envision letting someone like you make it to 1st or 2nd base much less reach home plate. (For those of you readers from outside the US who don't know, each baseball term is actually slang referencing stages of petting. Petting...uh...well kinda a progression of sensual touching? I wish I never started this. Go ask your American friends or call the US Embassy in your country.Of course the current administration may not have staffed that embassy yet and there is no telling what the Cheeto will do or say next, so just call a friend.)

So, what to do?

I could've ask the highly acclaimed genius Stephen Hawking, but he passed away prior to my nodding off. There is however one other genius, though self proclaimed and unsubstantiated (there is no data in evidence showing any potential level of genuine superior intellect in this person) but he is so busy patting himself on the back for pissing off the most mild tempered nation on earth while at the same time hugging despots and kissing dictators that it is doubtful he would be of any assistance.

Let's rally to bring back those uncomfortable hard backed, butt and leg numbing, circulation cutting movie theater seat of old. I never missed a moment of a film when they were in every movie theater.
What do you say? Let's march on Fandango and demand our rights. I should start a "Go Fund Me" campaign. Bring On The Pain! No More Sleeping At The Movies! Tell them, "I love it when I can't feel my legs, but the film was great!"

That's enough. I'm worn out. I'm taking a nap.